discomposer | golden peacock inbox

[ Leo has always been easygoing about far too much, only being stubborn and an issue at certain times on things that are more difficult or personal to him...which Knights events trip into. Still, he at least tries to give this serious thought. ]

i don't mind trying, but i can't promise if it'll work or anything, even if it has for other people! if you just need a neutral observer and i don't have to get off to it, it should be fine. if i do, i don't know if i would or wouldn't be able to do it like that. i like seeing new sides of people but i just don't get anything out of it if i don't feel a connection. if you need a whole new persona to do it, doesn't that kind of mean you're trying to avoid having any kind of connection to anyone but nami during?

i think that'll work for plenty of people, but i wouldn't be able to divorce who i am and who the two of you are! i could play pretend i could but i don't think that's the sort of thing i should lie to you about, because in the end, that would be more likely to hurt you than me.

names though...that won't help much! i know weiss but everyone else i just kind of call by whatever i remember. if you wanna introduce me to anyone you think i'd like, send them my way or send me theirs for a message! a nice voice doesn't always have to be for singing! although if they're an alien i don't want the boring human kind!

Edited 2024-12-16 01:46 (UTC)

It doesn't have to mean that.

[Or is that what it means? He and Jun had that whole conversation about how there were parts of themselves they wanted to keep private. Sides of each other they didn't want anyone else to see. But.]

I don't know how it is in your unit, but in CosPro, we're encouraged to develop our own stage personas. That's why some CosPro idols take stage names, like HiMERU from Crazy:B. And it's why Nagisa-kun has the personality of a "dominant ruler" onstage. I had a hard time accepting that persona at first, since it seemed like a far cry from the sweet boy I used to know. But that personality is part of Nagisa-kun now. He invokes it even when he's off the stage, and it's become another side of him.

It's a similar deal with my idol persona. It's sort of like I gathered up all the brightest parts of myself and polished them to make them look more dazzling. That's what the idol called Hiyori Tomoe is. But it's still me!

That version of me doesn't belong here, though. So I made up another one, who's better suited to live in this place. Humans need to adapt to their environment in order to survive, so that's what I'm trying to do. And I thought maybe I could use that character to do things Hiyori Tomoe the noble and Hiyori Tomoe the idol wouldn't do.

This is getting overly long, though, so I'll stop right there!

Anyway, I have no idea if you have to [urgh] please yourself in order for it to count, since we still haven't tried it yet! And I still have no idea whether it'll help with your suit. But I guess whatever you feel inspired to do is fine, since you're all about ~*inspiration*~!

Or just don't watch, since you don't seem all that interested! Either way!

I just don't want you turning to stone on my watch. Since that already happened to Rinne-senpai. And I'm sure it's not what he'd want, either.

I've been sort of distracted ever since that happened. So distracted I forgot you can't remember names to save your life. So, fine. The next time I talk to someone, I'll see about sending them your way, and then you can talk to them and see how things go from there. How does that sound?

in knights it's not quite like that. there's not specific personas we have to take on, although of course i stick to themes for our songs and we do play up being knights - but i'm always me and sena is sena and naru is naru and rittsu is rittsu and suo is suo. the times i'm someone else have always been

well, you saw that version of me. when knights needed me to be someone who could kill, i did my best. there's always gonna be people i'd carve up my heart and soul and body for. knights will always be top among that number. it isn't like i suddenly mind the thought of it or anything - if dying for someone i love keeps them happy and alive, i just can't bring myself to mind it.

so it isn't like i'm not interested, but hey, hiyo. you know that they're not here, right?

the time in which i haven't heard my favorite voices is only ever increasing. i don't have to worry about forgetting them because that isn't something i can do even if i try. i think magi kinda got it since we were in the same boat with different colors.

i don't have knights or magi who didn't have the bees. what's here with me is eve, and while it's not like we're crazy close even though there's definitely certain things we know about one another other people don't, the only voices i can say i know inside and out are yours. i've written songs that everyone at es uses, and i've arranged them for different units and voices, y'know. the way everyone sounds when they sing, their ranges, the types of things that suit them best musically - i've learned all of that even if i don't really keep people's names in mind that much. there's a lot of us but i've memorized the stuff that matters most even when the stuff that matters to other people is kind of a pain to juggle with all the rest.

i don't think magi got this part. i don't think knights got it either, or anyone else back home or here.

but since you're one of two voices i know and love, and since eve isn't knights and didn't sign up for it, i'm kind of trying to warn you here! i can keep my love from crushing people i love from a big enough distance, y'know, like most of es. but the people who get closer i've been known to break!

i'm terrible at checking in and i get lost in my thoughts a lot and i don't really know a lot of what's going on here or at home ever, but if something happened and i couldn't just text one of you if i felt like it or wanted to, wouldn't that pretty much be the worst? even asking for something with a loophole, i don't wanna strangle you with that loophole, hiyo. if you and nami seriously ask me it's not like i'll say no, but you'd better both figure out if you'd die or not from the weight of that inspiration.

this would be WAY easier if any of you actually spoke my first language

& yeah the last part is fine!!

[Ah.]

Sorry. I keep forgetting how lonely you must be.

[All alone, without any of his precious people from home. And it's coming up on a year now for him, isn't it?]

I got my phone from back recently. The same one I had at home. A staff member said they found it in the basement. It had all my old text conversations and all my old pictures, so it was my first time seeing Nagisa-kun, Mary, Ibara, and so many others in months. But I know none of them are really here. I don't know when I'll see them again.

I know it shouldn't matter what they'd think, or what my fans would think. Rinne-senpai kept trying to tell me that, and so have other people. So, I thought that by adopting a new persona, I could finally stop worrying about what they'd think and follow the advice they've been giving me.

I guess it's kind of like armor. I was like that at home, too, you know. "My frivolous facade is my strategy, and my smile is my weapon." <--- That's something I told Jun-kun once.

Anyway, I'm trying to understand all that stuff you wrote, but I'm getting mixed signals! Basically, it sounds like you're warning us not to get too close, right? But you're not interested in seeing me act out a character, because that feels like it's too distant - is that it? You want to be close, but you also think it's a bad idea?

[ There's a pause as Leo tries to figure out how to put it before deciding he isn't cut out for trying to be delicate anyway. ]

the easiest way to explain it would involve me saying what would probably be the most effective way this would even work. if you want me to lay it out for you, i will, but i'm also gonna give you one chance to back off cause this is probably going to be embarrassing for both of us.

i'm not saying back off, but i'm saying if you want the honest truth i'll drop being frivolous on my part for like five minutes so you understand exactly what you're asking for ☆

which you can then discuss with nami or whatever or pretend i never said. i don't care if you share our conversations with him ever by the way

["Effective." What does that mean? The most effective way for what to work? What is he even talking a...bout...]

Are you talking about what makes you excited? Like what kind of fanservice you like?

[There's a word the commoners use. That word is "turn-ons!"]

i can't explain the rest of what i mean without being pretty explicit about what i like and what i'm like, as a composer and a human being. that's the kind of thing you don't like talking about too much, right?

if you say to spill i will. but i'm making you asking a condition of saying all that so you have the option of not hearing it.

[Give him a second... to think about this...]

I guess if Jun-kun and I really are going to go through with this, we'll need to get used to hearing that stuff.

Just don't use too many rude words, okay? We haven't tried it with anyone yet, but I planned to establish some rules up front with our audience. Things like "You can cheer us on, but don't say anything rude! And try to avoid using words that would get bleeped out on television!"

going back to what you asked: "You want to be close, but you also think it's a bad idea?"

if me getting off is a requirement, it won't work unless there's a connection that has enough weight for me. so it's already not gonna work if it's just watching something passively without something, you know? i want to maintain being able to rely on you guys if i absolutely need to for whatever - the things we usually talk about or do. that kind of thing could be ruined pretty easily when adding a new dimension, especially if it's not something you really truly actually want.

you told me something you told nami about you. lemme tell you something sena said about me, during our worst fight ever.

he asked me back then if i was just feeding off of him to sustain my composing. he said he wasn't my slave and wasn't my food, that i was an idiot composer who was using him and couldn't even treat him as human.

he wasn't totally right, but he also wasn't totally wrong.

if sena were here, i'd have already lost my mind. for all the things i've heard sena say and all the situations in which i've heard him, there's a lot more i don't know, aren't there? all the things that are commonplace here, i don't know how he'd sound. i really don't like that! i hate it! i wanna know what he sounds like in every scenario! i would want to hear it first before anyone else!! it's better he's not here, because i'd just crush him with the weight of that love all over again.

but you and nami would be putting yourselves in danger of it if you did anything with me watching or listening, you know?

i wouldn't fall in love with you the way i am with knights. you're different entities. it's not like i feel all that possessive over the two of you or that i think i ever would.

but we've talked about it before, haven't we? music, and inspiration, and sex, and love. there's millions of songs about it! probably billions! songs i couldn't write before that i can now. songs i wanna write, because i always wanna write all of it - the only songs i don't wanna sing are the ones like back during the war where all we did was crush the dreams of other people.

i wouldn't fall in love, though i love you both, but i'd be weird about it. i never thought about it because nami and hiyo are nami and hiyo, but it would be dangerous for you. as a composer, as tsukinaga leo, i want to hear it. i'd want to hear the honest melody that is what exists between the two of you, and i'd want to set it to the score i'd hear.

it's not something i'd be able to help or keep myself separate from. hearing your voices in new ways, different ways - i don't know if YOU could handle ME in that scenario. it's not like i'd shut up or not say anything going through my head, you know?

as a composer, as me, pretty much the first thing i thought when you explained your loophole was that i wanted to compose something and hear it, in that context, and i'm pretty sure you'd hate that.

i can't separate myself from music or anything i feel or wanna do from it! that's the language i think and feel in. but from what i get off of you, i feel like hiyo wants to keep that shining stage safe and separate from all of this.

even with all that aside, i don't think i would be an ideal audience for what you're thinking of now. because i'd wanna compose and involve myself, and even if it was all platonic, wouldn't that be a little too much for you? even if i never touched, i wouldn't be able to be anything other than myself. you'd be opening yourself up to that side of me, and i can't mitigate it.

Edited 2024-12-16 05:09 (UTC)

[And now he needs another second, to consider all... that.]

So, if you watched us together, you'd want to compose a song about us?

[...]

That doesn't sound so bad. It might be embarrassing, but this whole thing is embarrassing. And we've done even sappier things here than have people write songs about us.

[Like getting fake-married during the Hearts game, for example. Cough.]

I don't think any of us have kept things completely separate. We've all performed as idols here, we've all been using our real names. Rinne-senpai even performed at that House Finch place, while the audience members stuck their hands down their pants. That's what he told me.

And well, you might not like hearing this, but that character I came up with would actually *love* to hear your song about him and Jun-kun.

[ He honestly expected a worse reaction to his weird audio-based kinks because ofc Leo has found a way to make Everything about music. ]

i'd wanna compose something and i'd want you guys to perform things i wrote.

i wanna hear pieces i wrote in every context!!

you two are actually the only two people here who could do that for me, y'know.

and you'd have to talk to me.
honestly "watching" matters way less to me than "listening".

if i watched something happen with no audio what would even be the point??

[It's a fair worry, since Hiyori is not above kinkshaming! He even got attacked recently for kinkshaming someone (sort of). He told Aak he doesn't sleep with animals and that it'd make him want to hurl, and one of Aak's friends attacked him with magic in retaliation!

But he isn't thinking about this as a "kink." For Leo-kun, composing music is like breathing, right? Without air and music, he can't live!]

Well, we weren't going to tell people to put in earplugs.

When you say you'd want to compose something, you mean an actual song, right? You're not going to write some tawdry script for us, or instruct us on how to talk during the act, are you?

[ Hiyori has the right read. It's somewhere more along the lines of how Leo interacted with anything. He paused to think about the question, curious. ]

? it'd be a song. you both have the breath control for it unless you've totally been slacking.

there might be other people here who can sing, but it's not the same thing. i know every song you and nami have sung as the war era fine, as eve, as eden, in shuffle units. some of those i penned myself as leo tsukinaga or one of my aliases, even.

you usually object to my titles so i guess i could hand em over blank for you to fix up!

as to instructing, i guess if i talked it'd be things like pointing out if you missed notes or the movement speeds of the piece or probably rambling about how things sound or what i wanna write or what i hear. it's not like i'm a conductor - of the three of us, you're the bossiest unless i'm pretending to be a king again and i hate doing that.

Right, an actual song!

Then that's perfectly alright. I was just concerned because you almost made it sound like you wanted us to sing *during* it. That'd be rather difficult, and my voice wouldn't sound right, so I'll pass.

But I don't think Jun-kun would object if you wanted to write a duet for us. Now that Rinne-senpai's gone, our shuffle unit is done for. So it's either we sing as partners, or we don't sing.

Unless you wanted to write something for the three of us. We're used to those arrangements too, since we also perform as Lilith!

that IS what i meant, though. i wanna hear stuff i wrote during. i also would write songs after. the way you guys would sound is what i'm interested in.

and it isn't that hard for me to adjust things to three voices for normal performances, don't worry about that.

[How is Jun supposed to sing during that? He likes to keep his mouth busy. And how's he supposed to sing? It'd just come out all wobbly!]

Sorry. That request sounds like a pain, so we'll pass!

[... but should he really give up at the first obstacle he encounters? What would Jun-kun think? Ergh.]

I mean, I guess I *could* try it. But it's sort of funny, isn't it? You said you didn't want to see my new persona, since that's not genuine enough for you. Even though it's *my* persona, so it's something I wrote, which reflects part of me. But if we just sound like what you're telling us to sound like, that won't tell you what we're normally like.

i don't wanna see a persona if it's a way to put in distance, because i think that would feel pretty lonely!

and you don't have to force yourself to try it. i told you sena wasn't wrong about me - that's why i told you what he said. i understand all of you best when you're on stage singing - it's the rest of the time i get lost.

Then I guess that's that!

[He should be relieved. It's hard enough to offer that sort of show to acquaintances, let alone to people he knows. He should be relieved that Leo doesn't want to see it after all.

So why does he feel relieved and disappointed...?]

That still leaves setting you up with someone! I can think of lots of people to try. For example, I don't know any princesses here, but I do know two princes. And you're a knight, so that still fits! Like a fairytale for the modern age~ 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨👑⚔️💕

And I already mentioned Weiss-chan, but I forgot to mention Rise-chan! She's a fellow idol, so her voice should be good! 🎤🎶✨💖

[He thinks about leaving it at that.

But then he starts typing again, after a pause.]

You're not the only one who worries about things like that, by the way.

About crushing someone with your love, that is.

[ He hit some kind of landmine, he thinks. Leo expected more of this refusal than he didn't, though, so it doesn't bug him. Rinne hadn't been a fan of the idea of involving music either - actually, no one has been. Leo figures it's one of those ways in which he doesn't jive with other human beings; if anything he's happy enough Hiyori still seems to be treating him normally, even if he's doing that thing - ]

you always way overuse emoji when you're doing that "frivolous facade and strategy", don't you? i like music, but i also like plain interesting people. i haven't met rise? i don't think.

so you're worried about breaking nami?

[Ah. He really is sharp when you least expect it. One of those eccentric "geniuses" who infuriated and enchanted Eichi-kun back then.]

Sometimes I use them just to add color! Or because I like them. 🥰

[But that's not a denial.]

I never told you this, but I've talked a lot with the owner of the Red Cardinal. She used to be a player in the game, and she knows some stuff about how the resort works. She told me the resort runs on our energy, and that if you just sleep with the same person from home over and over, instead of being intimate with new people, it means you're likelier to disappear.

I was scared for a long time afterwards. I thought my selfish love might kill Jun-kun. I had nightmares about him turning into a statue, and I cried to him and Rinne-senpai. But when I finally told Jun-kun, he said he didn't mind my selfish love. He said he didn't think he could survive here without me, and that he wanted to keep me all to himself, too.

So, instead of throwing our love out, I thought maybe we could use it as our weapon. That's why my new persona is a "messenger of love." He's not embarrassed about being in love, and he wants to show it off to everyone.

You weren't completely wrong about what you said before, though. The reason I thought about inviting people to watch is so we can protect ourselves. It's not because I want to do this from the bottom of my heart. I'm mainly trying to protect Jun-kun.

[ He didn't end up as one of the Eccentrics officially, but Leo was on the short list and only spared because he got a different and equally terrible role as the King of Knights. He's always been weird and he's always been smart - he just usually doesn't care to share the latter. Just because he can beat Eichi or Tsukasa in a game of chess doesn't mean Leo feels like doing it. ]

well yeah, it seemed obvious to me it wasn't something you really wanted to do. that's why i said all that! you guys are actually important to me, you know? while it's not like there's a limit on what i'm willing to do to keep you safe if i have to do something, i don't want all of us to crush one another in it.

be as selfish as you want and don't throw anything away. maybe that isn't something i should say, when i really do know perfectly well how heavy love can be.

but it's not the person i broke didn't break me in turn back then. and it's not like we didn't both decide that despite all of that, we'd stick together. it's just that this time around, i don't pretend that i'm not doing the things i'm doing.

i think doing things to protect yourself, the two of you, is fine. i know that sounds stupid when we just agreed it wouldn't work for us, but aren't i at least a little bit different to you guys than everyone else? things that would work with strangers are gonna be totally different with someone who actually cares.

not like you don't have loads of friends here, but i'm the only person who's gonna be friends with you guys when all this is over.

[He reads all that text, and by the end, he's smiling.]

Thanks.

[If anything, the fact that Leo knows how heavy love can be makes it mean something more coming from him.]

It's hard to throw a stone around here without hitting someone I've talked to. But I absolutely agree with you: our relationship's still different. It's shiny and unique, and it's special just like we are! ✨

And I don't know if me and Jun-kun need to do this to keep ourselves safe. Rinne-senpai disappeared, and it wasn't for lack of partners in his case.

But I don't want any of us turning to stone if I can help it, so I'll keep trying to do everything in my power to protect us. Whether that means using other people's magic powers to our advantage, giving private shows like what I talked about, or starting a matchmaking service just for you!

[That's all any of them can do, after all. Try a bunch of things, and see if any of it helps. They're no closer to having all the answers than they were months ago. It's frustrating.]

well, i admit i probably need one. it's easy to get caught up in things. even back home, the other knights and anzu would usually handle a lot of the day to day stuff? magi kinda barged in to check on when i last did stuff off and on, too.

when i'm composing it's just impossible to think about all the other stuff! ♪

I'm surprised your suit doesn't start bothering you. Mine doesn't act up that much [because he and Jun are always doing it] but when it does, it makes me want to kill someone!

[... wait. Er. Should he really be admitting that? He just admitted so much other personal stuff that he let his guard down.]

With kindness, charm, and love, of course! That's the kind of "killing" I mean. ✨💖✨💖

Anyway, I'll start by reaching out to Rise-chan and the two princes. Rise-chan is a cute idol, and one of the princes is also cute, since he has lion ears and a tail. The other prince is sort of like Eichi-kun, though, just as a heads' up.

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