going back to what you asked: "You want to be close, but you also think it's a bad idea?"
if me getting off is a requirement, it won't work unless there's a connection that has enough weight for me. so it's already not gonna work if it's just watching something passively without something, you know? i want to maintain being able to rely on you guys if i absolutely need to for whatever - the things we usually talk about or do. that kind of thing could be ruined pretty easily when adding a new dimension, especially if it's not something you really truly actually want.
you told me something you told nami about you. lemme tell you something sena said about me, during our worst fight ever.
he asked me back then if i was just feeding off of him to sustain my composing. he said he wasn't my slave and wasn't my food, that i was an idiot composer who was using him and couldn't even treat him as human.
he wasn't totally right, but he also wasn't totally wrong.
if sena were here, i'd have already lost my mind. for all the things i've heard sena say and all the situations in which i've heard him, there's a lot more i don't know, aren't there? all the things that are commonplace here, i don't know how he'd sound. i really don't like that! i hate it! i wanna know what he sounds like in every scenario! i would want to hear it first before anyone else!! it's better he's not here, because i'd just crush him with the weight of that love all over again.
but you and nami would be putting yourselves in danger of it if you did anything with me watching or listening, you know?
i wouldn't fall in love with you the way i am with knights. you're different entities. it's not like i feel all that possessive over the two of you or that i think i ever would.
but we've talked about it before, haven't we? music, and inspiration, and sex, and love. there's millions of songs about it! probably billions! songs i couldn't write before that i can now. songs i wanna write, because i always wanna write all of it - the only songs i don't wanna sing are the ones like back during the war where all we did was crush the dreams of other people.
i wouldn't fall in love, though i love you both, but i'd be weird about it. i never thought about it because nami and hiyo are nami and hiyo, but it would be dangerous for you. as a composer, as tsukinaga leo, i want to hear it. i'd want to hear the honest melody that is what exists between the two of you, and i'd want to set it to the score i'd hear.
it's not something i'd be able to help or keep myself separate from. hearing your voices in new ways, different ways - i don't know if YOU could handle ME in that scenario. it's not like i'd shut up or not say anything going through my head, you know?
as a composer, as me, pretty much the first thing i thought when you explained your loophole was that i wanted to compose something and hear it, in that context, and i'm pretty sure you'd hate that.
i can't separate myself from music or anything i feel or wanna do from it! that's the language i think and feel in. but from what i get off of you, i feel like hiyo wants to keep that shining stage safe and separate from all of this.
even with all that aside, i don't think i would be an ideal audience for what you're thinking of now. because i'd wanna compose and involve myself, and even if it was all platonic, wouldn't that be a little too much for you? even if i never touched, i wouldn't be able to be anything other than myself. you'd be opening yourself up to that side of me, and i can't mitigate it.
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if me getting off is a requirement, it won't work unless there's a connection that has enough weight for me. so it's already not gonna work if it's just watching something passively without something, you know? i want to maintain being able to rely on you guys if i absolutely need to for whatever - the things we usually talk about or do. that kind of thing could be ruined pretty easily when adding a new dimension, especially if it's not something you really truly actually want.
you told me something you told nami about you. lemme tell you something sena said about me, during our worst fight ever.
he asked me back then if i was just feeding off of him to sustain my composing. he said he wasn't my slave and wasn't my food, that i was an idiot composer who was using him and couldn't even treat him as human.
he wasn't totally right, but he also wasn't totally wrong.
if sena were here, i'd have already lost my mind. for all the things i've heard sena say and all the situations in which i've heard him, there's a lot more i don't know, aren't there? all the things that are commonplace here, i don't know how he'd sound. i really don't like that! i hate it! i wanna know what he sounds like in every scenario! i would want to hear it first before anyone else!! it's better he's not here, because i'd just crush him with the weight of that love all over again.
but you and nami would be putting yourselves in danger of it if you did anything with me watching or listening, you know?
i wouldn't fall in love with you the way i am with knights. you're different entities. it's not like i feel all that possessive over the two of you or that i think i ever would.
but we've talked about it before, haven't we? music, and inspiration, and sex, and love. there's millions of songs about it! probably billions! songs i couldn't write before that i can now. songs i wanna write, because i always wanna write all of it - the only songs i don't wanna sing are the ones like back during the war where all we did was crush the dreams of other people.
i wouldn't fall in love, though i love you both, but i'd be weird about it. i never thought about it because nami and hiyo are nami and hiyo, but it would be dangerous for you. as a composer, as tsukinaga leo, i want to hear it. i'd want to hear the honest melody that is what exists between the two of you, and i'd want to set it to the score i'd hear.
it's not something i'd be able to help or keep myself separate from. hearing your voices in new ways, different ways - i don't know if YOU could handle ME in that scenario. it's not like i'd shut up or not say anything going through my head, you know?
as a composer, as me, pretty much the first thing i thought when you explained your loophole was that i wanted to compose something and hear it, in that context, and i'm pretty sure you'd hate that.
i can't separate myself from music or anything i feel or wanna do from it! that's the language i think and feel in. but from what i get off of you, i feel like hiyo wants to keep that shining stage safe and separate from all of this.
even with all that aside, i don't think i would be an ideal audience for what you're thinking of now. because i'd wanna compose and involve myself, and even if it was all platonic, wouldn't that be a little too much for you? even if i never touched, i wouldn't be able to be anything other than myself. you'd be opening yourself up to that side of me, and i can't mitigate it.